Heart & Soul Food

It's been a really long time since I blogged about anything. Not sure why. I keep thinking I should but nothing has really hit me to write about and like I've said before I have to be moved to write.
I have been moved lately by a friend of mine who is going through a very tough time right now. His wife has left and he is facing being a single father. He never really cooked before but he has started to make huge strides to create fabulous meals for his kids. Mind you his kids are only 2 & 4. They would probably be happy with an Eggo waffle or a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast but instead he makes things like a Dutch Baby Pancake and Carne Adovada breakfast burritos. He's putting his heart & soul into his food. Maybe it's to comfort himself partly but it's also because he feels this is one way he can be a good dad. I admire this about him because for so long I put my heart in soul into the food I'd make my family & then one day I sorta stopped. Once I was working outside the house it just became such a chore to create good meals and I lost my passion. Seeing him not only teach himself how to cook & to cook well has been an inspiration to me. I started looking for new recipes..I started digging through my old recipes...basically I started putting effort into what I feed my family again. Not that my family was neglected in the food area by any means but I wasn't really putting any love into what I was making anymore. It feels good to be creating things for them to eat that I have put some heart into. Even if they don't like it, I feel that I'm doing something for them with love behind it. I by no means think that every mom & dad have to cook meals...but if you have something else you always did and then lost your passion for because you were either too tired, overwhelmed, lazy or just felt it really wouldn't matter to them anyway...it's amazing when you find your passion again how good it feels! It's kinda like I found part of my heart agian.

Jason

On Saturday the 25th of July, will be the 8th anniversary of my brother Jason’s death. I write this for my own benefit and for those that have asked me, and I have yet to give a good answer. This is from my memory and from what I was told; I was 10 hours away @ the time of Jason’s death. Getting to Albuquerque, planning his funeral and the days that follow are somewhat a blur to me.
When people ask me how Jason died I have yet to come up with a short quick answer. To me there is so much more to it. I’ve never written about that day but I feel it is time and to set the record straight for those that might not know.

Jason was working for BSNF Railway as a conductor/switchman @ the time of his death. He was doing well and in his free time had started reading Irish literature and also the new Harry Potter series. He was talking about moving out of my parent’s house to a place of his own. He had a new car and a new Celtic cross tattoo on his arm and he had a bright future ahead.

The first Harry Potter movie was due out in November and when we were visiting in early July he made me promise that I would not take the kids to see it until we came to Albu for Thanksgiving. He wanted to see it with them. He must have reminded me of that @ least 5 times while we were there. He was very excited about it just like he got excited about a lot of things that most 23 year olds might be to “cool” to be excited about. That is the same visit we went to see the new Star Wars movie and when leaving the theater , for my 7 year old son’s benefit Jason (like only he could do) ran through the parking lot pretending he had a light saber. He then went home and spent an entire day in my dad’s work shop craving, painting and creating two wooden light sabers for Josh and himself. They were deadly because they were so heavy and I ruled that they could only be looked at and not used on each other!

When we were ready to come back home to Oklahoma we borrowed his Harry Potter book on cd to listen to on our drive home. He hadn’t finished it yet and he probably would have preferred not letting us take it since he listened to it during his long drive to work in Belen. I promised I’d mail it back to him as soon as we got back home. I kissed him on his check which was odd for me to do to him. Even though we were close I hadn’t kissed him since we were kids. I told him I loved him; he laughed @ my mushiness and said “Ditto” back to me.
Over the next couple of weeks he’d call and ask when I was going to send his Harry Potter cd’s back…I kept forgetting. On Tuesday July 24th he was off of work and he called me AGAIN reminding me to send them back. He was in a very good mood and planning on going out with friends that night…bowling, karaoke, perhaps a party.

The next morning I woke up very early because of a very strange dream I had…I won’t go into the details of it because I honestly feel it was Jason telling me goodbye & it’s very personal. I felt uneasy all day and I called him through out the day…Jason ALWAYS answered my phone calls, even if he was asleep he answered my calls.
Before I go on…let me tell you what I know about the night of July 24th leading up to the early morning hours of July 25th. He went out, went bowling and Karaoke. I believe he also went to a friend’s party. He made plans to have lunch with a girl the next day. He arrived home around 4:30 am. We know this because my granny was awake & lives on the acre behind my parent’s house. She saw Jason pull in the garage around that time. She also saw another vehicle pull in behind Jason in the drive way. She then went down stairs to the kitchen to make her coffee when she heard what she thought sounded like a gunshot. She dicided she wasn’t sure and went back to doing what she was doing.
My parents had been out of town and they arrived home around 8:30 pm that evening. They walked into the house and saw Jason sitting up on the couch looking as if he was sleeping. My mom walked over to him and felt him and realized he was gone…then she saw the blood and a gun on the floor. Jason had a movie in the DVD player, there were TWO wine glasses on the coffee table and wine in the frig.

The police, with very little to any investigating ruled it a suicide immediately. I don’t know exactly what happened that night but I will never be able to say Jason committed suicide. The gun that was found by him only had one bullet & Jason very well could have pulled that trigger. He had been drinking and he had been known to do some pretty crazy stuff when he was intoxicated but I believe with all my heart he did not mean to end his life that night. He would never purposely hurt my parents in that way. He loved his nephews and niece and would never want to cause that kind of pain.

We don’t have the answers and we probably never will. Even if we did it would still not bring the funny, sensitive, spiritual young man we knew back. God gives us free will, and I do believe that night no matter if Jason had a momentarily lapse in judgment that cost him his life or if someone else took it from him….God wept along side of him and then carried him home in his loving arms.
I think the best way to honor Jason on this anniversary is to love your loved ones, be it your siblings, parents and even close friends. Let go of grudges, forgive the little grievances you may have, life can be lost in a blink of an eye. Kiss them on the check and tell them you love them!

Saturday is Happy Heart Day!

A year ago this Saturday was a very scary day & because of what occured last year on that day I have decided to call this years July 25 Happy Heart Day!!! Actually the entire last summer was a very scary time. Greg, my normally very healthy, energetic husband went into congestive heart failure, afibulation & was diagnosed with 2 severely damaged heart valves. This all occured while he was in the hospital having back surgery at the end of May. So on July 25, 2008 he under went open heart surgery to replace two of his heart valves. WHAT A HORRIFIC SURGERY!!! It's hard for me to even write about it. I want to describe just how awful it was for Greg but I can't. When I think about for too long I get taken right back to that day and the many days that followed. I don't ever want to relive those days again...I certainly know Greg does not. As hard as the whole ordeal was for him and for his family to witness, he is alive and that is what matters. If he hadn't of jumped on the trampoline with the kids in March and BROKE his back, then he wouldn't have had the back surgery in May, then we wouldn't have known about his heart valves. He most likely had defective heart valves due to having Rheumatic fever as a child. Doctors said he would of just dropped dead at any point in the next few years because of how severely damaged they were. As we know God works in very mysterious ways and we have witnessed that first hand. I love Greg with all my heart and can't imagine my life without him, so every single time I hear that tick tock his heart now makes (yes, mechanical heart valves are loud and can be heard outside the body) I smile because that sounds mean my husband is still by my side and alive!

So HAPPY HEART DAY MY LOVE!

Sister

You know those people you meet and you just immediately click with? Well, my sister in law Selene is one of those people for me. When I first met her I knew, she and I could be good, good friends, but distance and lack of communication didn't allow that @ first. Over the last few years she and I have gotten very close. I can honestly say I think of her as a sister. She is one of the most sincere, down to earth and truly kind people I have ever met. She's very sensitive like me which can be a good and bad thing. We get each other though and are able to feel safe when venting about the people in our lives that might not be as sensitive.

She came up with a fabulous idea that I am so excited about. Our birthdays are just a day apart, mine July 6 and hers July 7...I am exactly 10 years older than her...yes, she's a baby! Anyway, we have decided for her 30th birthday and my 40th, which will be in 2 years to go to Napa together along with our husbands.

Both of us have always wanted to tour wine country and our husbands have agreed to do a little saving between now and then so we can have a fabulous trip. Two years seems like a long time from now, however it just means I have 2 years to grow closer to Selene before we take our trip of a life time! I can hardly wait!

IF I hadn't thought of it...

Every so often I have a run in with what I would call a "Yahoo"....a stranger in the world that seems to be seriously annoyed @ life and takes it out on anyone who is in their way. My husband always seems to be able to be the bigger person in situations where he is wronged but I however, sometimes have a hard time. I tend to get sarcastic and make sure the rude person knows just exactly how I feel. Of course in a passive aggressive non confrontational way. In any case, today I had a very rude lady while she was texting & driving almost run into me. I was taking my turn @ a four way stop and I had to slam on my brakes because here she came also. I went ahead with a smile on my face waved her to go on, even though it was MY turn & she about hit me. Instead of mouthing "OH! I'M SO SORRY!" Like I would have done (which of course means it's the right thing to do if it's what I would have done... ha ha) She instead glared at me and mouthed a word that rhythms with "itch". It's stuff like that, that just gets my feather's all ruffled! All sorts of angry thoughts went through my head as I was driving off but then the first few lines of the poem "IF" popped into my head. It totally helped...because IF I hadn't thought of it I would of spent more time being angry than necessary. I had a fabulous day @ the pool with friends & kids so why would I let some obviously clueless and unhappy person ruin it?

If...
Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Seeing Albuquerque through new eyes

I had an absolutely great time taking my dear friend Kristine & her two precious daughters to my home town, Albuquerque this past week. Showing her where I was raised was like seeing it though new eyes. She got to meet my sweet Granny who I adore, my somewhat flirty granddad who was all about Kristine teasing him back, she got to see the Sandia mountains, she even agreed to ride the world's longest tram that is practically in my parents back yard, heights really are not her thing but she had no problem facing her fear! We ate @ my favorite restaurants, I showed her my high school, told her endless stories of my youth etc. etc.

She embraced all of it even the heights of the tram ride! Well, not all of it! Not the bull snake on my parents driveway, that I would have happily caught if it hadn't been so stinken fast! Other than that she was so supportive, so much fun, she took it all in (except for the snakes) asked questions and truly seemed to enjoy the experience. I love living in Oklahoma but I am not from here and Albuquerque will always be a part of me. I loved being able to share it with someone who had never been there before. My oldest son refers to us as New Mokies and I think that is pretty accurate. We love where we are from but have come to love where we are now.

There are many highlights of our trip that I will remember forever and continually think of fondly & with lots of laughter. Kristine and I had so much girlie fun, the kind of fun I haven't done in who knows how long. She asked me to do her hair & make-up!!! We went shopping, we ate fabulous food, but I think my favorite & most touching part of the trip was taking flowers to my brothers grave with her. She didn't know Jason but she gets how much he meant to me. Kristine jumped in to clean his head stone without hesitation. She poured water on his head stone and cleaned the grass clipping from it with her hands. It was so sweet and meant so much to me. She could of just stood back, she could of stayed in the car, she could of chose to not particpate but instead out of love and with a sincere heart she was right there by my side. I am so glad I decided to include her in my trip home and that she enthusiastically came...it made it very, very special & a trip home I will never forget!

Friends would have said, "NO that's NOT Normal!"

I've been trying to write something about friendship for the last few days. The funny thing is I keep getting interrupted by texts, phone calls or visits from my caring friends. Which has been such a blessing! I have been going through a very personal rough time and my close friends have been there every step of the way for me. Sometimes not even knowing all the details, just knowing I needed a friend.

It hasn't always been like that though. I've always considered myself a loyal friend, I still keep in touch with many friends from my childhood, youth, & college years. However, there was about a 10 year period in my life that all I thought I needed or should have was Greg, Josh, Jer and Julia. We lived in a small town and I had left my other friends behind & found it difficult to make

new strong friendships. I found "surface" friends but no deep lasting lifetime type friends. So, I focused ALL my attention on just my kids and husband. Which in itself is not a bad thing but in the process Teresa the friend got lost. Thankfully, God has placed some amazing women back in my life, that over time I have bonded deeply with and slowly the friend in me has been found again. My friends are truly inspiring, entertaining, talented, loving and devoted people. These are the gals that actually get my humor, they laugh at my jokes, they encourage me, they build me up. The tease me about my quirks, yet except them as just a part of me. These are the girls that I would do just about anything for and I know they would for me also. They would drop everything to help in a crisis and they have. Some I talk to every single day, some I may not for awhile but I know that they are there.

Maybe someday when we are old ladies we'll start an old lady club together but one that isn't as tacky as that red hat/purple dress club! I hope my friends know what they mean to me. I hope they understand that I truly do value each one as an individual. They are all different in the personality department.

This is one reason I love them all...how boring if all of them acted just like I did or just like each other. They bring so much joy, wisdom & laughter to my life!. I survived those years that I didn't have any good close girlfriends but I think they could have been easier if I had had a friend to ask the difficult questions too. "My nipples are STILL bleeding & I'm in unbearable pain after 3 months of nursing! Is that normal?" That's probably TMI but those are just exactly the questions a good girlfriend will answer without hesitation! I look so forward to growing closer to each of my good friends and I also believe that God has probably more wonderful friends to add to my life when the time is right. I think this quote sums up just exactly what I am trying to say.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." - C. S. Lewis

Oh...and by the way, turns out, NO! That is NOT normal after three monthes of breast feeding!

Not so little anymore!

Having to accept that my children are growing up is hard! I miss them being little, cute, innocent and NOT IN PUBERTY! Josh is almost 16 and by all accounts pretty much a man, Jeremiah is 12 and the changes are happening to him fast & furiously! Thankfully, Julia isn't there yet....but it's coming, she is 10.

Jeremiah who is in Albuquerque with my parents sent me a text today that said "Mom, I just shaved my mustache by myself & it didn't turn out so good." Ok...so for one I did know he had a little fur on his upper lip but I had told him when he was ready daddy would help him and show him how to shave like he had done with Josh, but I didn't think that meant NOW. Secondly, what does "It didn't turn out so good" mean anyway? Did he cut his lip and now he's bleeding profusely? Apparently no, he was just being silly and thinks his upper lip now looks paler than the rest of his face. WOW!

Hormones, mood swings, etc...etc...is something I hope I'm handling well as a mom but sometimes I wonder. Accepting my oldest, Josh drive off with his friends, girls, getting a job and all that other stuff that comes with growing up is sometimes more than this mom can take. It's what we do as mom's though, we adjust and we are there for them even if there needs change. Remembering Josh curled up in my lap while I read him his favorite book when he was little is a memory I will cherish forever, Hmmmm.... I wonder if I found that book, "The Giant Jam Sandwich" if he would indulge me and let me read it to him? Maybe I could sit on his lap instead! He's a sweet kid so I know he would endure my silly mommy moment but I will refrain. I will though, continue to hug, & kiss all of them, even if they duck away from my hugs & kisses at times. I will continue to tell them I love them & I'm here for them NO MATTER WHAT. Those moments that they don't duck & they confide in me or tell me what an awesome mom I am...those are moments I have to cherish now!

Spellbound

I decided with some encouragement to start a blog...however I really don't have a lot to say today on my very first blog entry. Therefore, I decided to start my blog with one of my all time favorite poems by one of my all time favorite authors.

I used to pretend as a kid I was either Emily or Charlotte Bronte...riding my horse on the mesa of the north east heights of Albuquerque pretending it was an English Moor...sometimes the cactus would harshly bring me back to reality! I have a feeling my blog will contain a lot of poetry...maybe even some of my own. I don't know if I have the guts for that though! We shall see! In any case this poem has a lot of meaning to me. I was a child who struggled with memorizing anything but I believe I have had this memorized since the sixth grade. I have recited this poem repeatedly in my head during many of life's storms. To me this poem is not about weather but about "weathering" what God knows you are cabable of dealing with when you don't know it yourself.

Spellbound

by Emily Jane Bronte

The night is darkening round me,

The wild winds coldly blow;

But a tyrant spell has bound me

And I cannot, cannot go.

The giant trees are bending

Their bare boughs weighed with snow.

And the storm is fast descending,

And yet I cannot go.

Clouds beyond clouds above me,

Wastes beyond wastes below;

But nothing drear can move me;

I will not, cannot go.